A Day In The Life Of Rae-Rae

Can life be more shitty than on this day? I don't think so. I have had about 4 months of hell and am in for 4 more that are just going to suck as much.
Let's start at the top. I am leaving my s.o. of 8 years and moving to FL. I have no car. I am leaving my apartment and all of the furnishings in it. I am basically only taking my clothes, money, and scrapbooking stuff. Maybe a few of my personal belongings. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Do we ever know what the right thing to do is until we look back? I don't think so. Anyway, I decided in February to leave, but for financial reasons, I am stuck in my apartment with said s.o. and feeling trapped. I hate my job with a passion and am only there 8 hours a day so I can collect a paycheck. I know that is bad, but if I leave my employment, I may never get the fuck outta here and be forever trapped in a city I hate. I have friends and contacts and people I care about here and I can find any place I need to, but I can get all of that again and keep the important friends from here. I can be a better human somewhere else. I can contribute to society better in another place. I can achieve my dreams somewhere else. I can persue my ultimate desires and get to know other lands away from here. I can get out of this rut, I know I can. I will prevail and take care of myself. If I never have a significant other again in my life, I will be able to say I experienced marriage and it wasn't for me. I was meant for something else, I think. I think part of this thinking is also due to having 2 miscarriages within six months of each other. I feel like that is a sign telling me that I wasn't supposed to have children with my husband. I have been told otherwise by, like, everyone I know... but of course, I don't know anyone else who has had to go through it. Everyone around me has kid(s) and is ecstatically happy to be a parent. I see all around me babies and smiling mommies and daddies. I just don't see it happening for me. Does that mean that I am too selfish to be a parent? No, I don't think so, but I don't know what it does mean. Is there some test you can take that will tell you if you are fit to be a parent? If so, should I take it? What if I don't like the answer it gives me? What if I hesitate on some really important question and answer horribly wrong? On the same token, is parenthood really all it is cracked up to be? It seems like a whole lot of sacrafice, but maybe when you are experiencing it first hand, you don't notice what you are missing? Anyway, I haven't really searched my soul for answers about the miscarriages. I don't really want to delve into how it feels to carry a dead fetus inside of me. How horrible does that sound? I sound like a monster. I feel like a monster most of the time. I can't help but feel that way. Strange thoughts float through my mind on a daily basis. I feel like I hate the world most days. Does that mean I hate myself? I don't know, but would like to know what the meaning is.