A Day In The Life Of Rae-Rae

God damn, how can you be such a prick?

What’s wrong with telling the girl who pours her heart out to you how you REALLY feel?

Now I am really fucking paranoid to tell a dude how I feel about him.

I feel like that will just scare him off.

I don’t think I will ever tell a guy I like him and want to get to know him better again.

Fuck shit fuck shit fuckity fuck shit.

I suppose I should thank you for not hanging out with me/calling me/emailing me. It shows me how you really feel since you don’t seem to have the balls to express it in words to me. Every second you don’t spend with me… I start to forget about you a little bit more. Soon it will be like it was before… me wondering who I was crushing on, having to think hard about it. That isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. You are supposed to be at the top of my mind and I am supposed to be at the top of yours. What part of the memo didn’t you get?

I might sound bitter, but that is because the mind-fucking has been going on since about October. I am sick of it at this point and don’t want to deal with it any longer.

I need to purge you from my memory.

I need to scrape my memory clean and start fresh.

No more crushes… they never work out and the dude I crush on inevitably doesn’t feel the same toward me.

Crushes are called that because they crush your fucking spirit and make you feel bad about yourself. Fuck crushes.

Fuck giving a shit about dudes.

Fuck worrying about being alone for the rest of my life.

Fuck every decent guy being married/gay/in a relationship/somehow unavailable.

Fuck trying to impress people. They don’t really care enough to give a shit and just be your friend.

Fuck trying to make new friends.

Fuck getting to know new people.

Fuck trying to open my mind and expand my horizons.

Fuck people fucking with me every chance they get.

Fuck people who don’t treat me fairly and like they treat everyone else.

Fuck corporate ladders and ass kissers.

Fuck not doing what I love for a living.

Fuck religious people who want to shove their religious shit down my fucking throat.

Hmmm... I think that about covers it for now. That felt good to get it all out of my system.

This is a picture of my friend Mandy and I. I am the one on the left. I don't look too bad, do I?

Well, we are now almost two months into 2005. The time is flying by, that's for sure. I have a goal to get my divorce paperwork started by the end of the month. My ex says he will pay for some of the cost. I am not counting on it, but if he makes good on the promise, then that is awesome. I just turned 29 last week. This year my birthday fell on Mardi Gras. I had the best birthday ever. It all started when I got to work Tuesday morning. My friend Lois had dropped a balloon off on my desk along with a super sweet card. Then about 13 of my coworkers and another friend who works at a nearby company joined me for lunch at Red Robin. Lunch was awesome, my friend, Jamie, made me a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and raspberry filling. Very tasty! After work, I met my friend, Marty, up at the Memorial Coliseum for the Winterhawks hockey game against Kootenay Ice. The game was great fun. After that we met some friends at Rock Bottom Brewery for drinks. John and Mandy were already there. My new friend Dave (who just moved here from Arizona) met us there as well. That was really fun aside from Marty and I running late. I was expecting some other people to show up including my friend Lois. But it was late and I thought she would just show up, but the next day I found out that I was supposed to call her and then she would come out and meet us. Oh well. I had a blast with the small group of friends. They closed the restaurant at midnight and Mandy and John went home because they had been there since they got off at work about 5 pm. Mandy was pretty hammered. Dave went home after that, too. Marty said he could take me home then or we could go around the corner to Paddy's for another drink and keep hanging out. We opted to head over to the bar and stay out. That was fun. We sat at the bar and talked and drank and smoked (I know, shame on me). After a while, a small group of people seated at a table near the bar started talking to me and Marty. A guy named Brad was talking to me and messing with my
purse and scarf. He was sweet and cute and nice and MARRIED. Jesus. I couldn't believe it.

Lately any decent guy I meet either has a girlfriend, a wife, is fucking gay or is "confused". I swear. That is the bad part of being single. The other bad things are not having anyone to cuddle with, kiss or have sex with or go to the movies or to dinner with (I think I miss the kissing part the most, especially if the dude is a good kisser). Jeez, guys always say it is so easy for girls to get laid, but I definitely don't have an easy time finding someone to fuck. I must be gross you probably thinking, huh? I sometimes feel that way, but people tell me that I am "cute", which I would prefer not to hear. Of course, my parents tell me that I am beautiful, but they sort of have to, since I came from them. I am a "bigger" girl and always have been which means I am self-conscious and I am shy to talk to strangers. Once I get to know someone, I am very talkative and enjoy conversation and all that. I just have trouble making the first move, I guess. I am attracted to charismatic dudes, though. :D I find them very easy to talk to. Ahh... charisma. Wish I had some of that.

Anyway, the night ended late. Marty dropped me off at home and I took the next day off of work so I wouldn't have to cut the night short. I think I got in bed about 3:30 or 4 am.... Eek. The next morning my friend Lois called and woke me up at 8 am. I couldn't get back to sleep after that and was really hungover. I didn't even think I drank that much, but I guess I didn't eat enough. Oh well. By about 2 pm, I was feeling a lot better.

Oh man, what a year this has been. I know it isn't over yet, but it feels sort of like it is and that makes me happy. I am looking forward to making a fresh start come Jan 1, 2005. I don't really know what that is going to entail, but I am ready for it. The people who know me, know that I have split up with my husband earlier this year and moved out into my own apartment. I am still at the same job I have been at for 3.5 years, which is a miracle for me. I haven't ever had a gig that has lasted that long in my life. :D Unless you count being a housekeeper at a hotel while I was in high school. Although, I think that was barely 3 years and part time. So this is the longest job I have had ever. Wow! I never even realized that.

Wow! I am soooo good at keeping up with this blog thing. NOT!! I guess life has just been flowing along, taking its own shape. I just read my first 4 posts and things haven't changed that much in the last 4 months. I live alone now in my own apartment. I still have no car, but that is by choice. I figure if I work on paying debt off, next year sometime I will be able to get any car I want. I still work at the same job and feel the same about it. Just biding my time, I suppose. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid of just staying here for a long, long time because I get comfortable or out of convenience. That is a big fear for me. I feel super stuck right now. I am giving myself till the end of the year to get my crap together and make some serious decisions.

Whew, the week is finally over! Could it have been longer? Nope... don't think so!! I am ready for the weekend and ready to celebrate "National Scrapbooking Day" tomorrow!! I just got invited to a party that one of the guys from work is DJing. That is cool, I think I might check it out, just to see some eye candy ;D The DJ is wayyyyyyy cute. I think I might have a tiny, innocent crush on him. I can't help it. He is very charismatic and I like that. I sold 6 greeting cards this week. That is pretty good. I didn't even have to try very hard. I got lots of compliments and many many people telling me that I should start to set up a portfolio and start selling them as a business. I am starting to look into doing that and I am starting by making a ton of cards. It is just as fun as scrapbooking and I get more instant gratification from it.
Okay, I am way distracted by the fact that it is the beginning of the weekend, so I am going to sign off and get the heck outta here!! Woohoo!! Let the games begin!!!

Well, I guess a week has passed since I wrote last... Wow! Does time ever fly by fast!! I found it very helpful to write in my blog last week. I had an okay week. I have decided to look for a job where I can scrapbook or at least be around that creative juices flowing environment! I am so freakin' bored with my current position. Can't even concentrate on the easiest and simplest tasks. Well, maybe something awesome will happen in the near future. I got a good idea from one of my co-workers today. I make cards (birthday, anniversary, etc.) and she said to make a portfolio for the cards and take them to some shops to try to sell them. It is a good idea, but I think before I do that, I should make up a card company name for myself. Hmm... that will take some thinking and I think I have to get the name copyrighted or trademarked, or something. I have no clue how to do that, but I can find out, I suppose. Ahh.. to have all the time in the world and no worries.... those are the days I am waiting for!!! Anyway.. guess I should get on home and work on those cards, huh? Well, I hope I remember to write in this more than once a week! I will try, but even once a week to get caught up is okay. ;D

Can life be more shitty than on this day? I don't think so. I have had about 4 months of hell and am in for 4 more that are just going to suck as much.
Let's start at the top. I am leaving my s.o. of 8 years and moving to FL. I have no car. I am leaving my apartment and all of the furnishings in it. I am basically only taking my clothes, money, and scrapbooking stuff. Maybe a few of my personal belongings. I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Do we ever know what the right thing to do is until we look back? I don't think so. Anyway, I decided in February to leave, but for financial reasons, I am stuck in my apartment with said s.o. and feeling trapped. I hate my job with a passion and am only there 8 hours a day so I can collect a paycheck. I know that is bad, but if I leave my employment, I may never get the fuck outta here and be forever trapped in a city I hate. I have friends and contacts and people I care about here and I can find any place I need to, but I can get all of that again and keep the important friends from here. I can be a better human somewhere else. I can contribute to society better in another place. I can achieve my dreams somewhere else. I can persue my ultimate desires and get to know other lands away from here. I can get out of this rut, I know I can. I will prevail and take care of myself. If I never have a significant other again in my life, I will be able to say I experienced marriage and it wasn't for me. I was meant for something else, I think. I think part of this thinking is also due to having 2 miscarriages within six months of each other. I feel like that is a sign telling me that I wasn't supposed to have children with my husband. I have been told otherwise by, like, everyone I know... but of course, I don't know anyone else who has had to go through it. Everyone around me has kid(s) and is ecstatically happy to be a parent. I see all around me babies and smiling mommies and daddies. I just don't see it happening for me. Does that mean that I am too selfish to be a parent? No, I don't think so, but I don't know what it does mean. Is there some test you can take that will tell you if you are fit to be a parent? If so, should I take it? What if I don't like the answer it gives me? What if I hesitate on some really important question and answer horribly wrong? On the same token, is parenthood really all it is cracked up to be? It seems like a whole lot of sacrafice, but maybe when you are experiencing it first hand, you don't notice what you are missing? Anyway, I haven't really searched my soul for answers about the miscarriages. I don't really want to delve into how it feels to carry a dead fetus inside of me. How horrible does that sound? I sound like a monster. I feel like a monster most of the time. I can't help but feel that way. Strange thoughts float through my mind on a daily basis. I feel like I hate the world most days. Does that mean I hate myself? I don't know, but would like to know what the meaning is.